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No, I Don't Want Any Soy Sauce
The twelfth episode of the second season, and the first in the season to have a user guest star! Enjoy! Script *(A mysterious animal is heard breathing and mumbling in the water. Then the animal comes out, revealing it is a blue alligator.) *'???': (coughing): Finally! That salt water was nasty and irritating my scales! Darn fish, can't eat healthy........ *(The alligator realizes he is near Rack's house.) *'???': Hm, well I could hang in there for a night and get some grub...... and maybe stay a bit longer! *(Lighting strikes near him, revealing him evilly smiling. He then lurks near his house until he reaches the door. He barges in.) *'???': Hey. *'Rack': Uh, who are you? *'???': I'm Sboy. *'US': No, I don't want any soy sauce. *'NH': Hey, she said the title! *'US': Shush. *'NH': Sboy?! *snickers* *(Sboy holds NH by his throat against the wall.) *'Sboy': You keep pushing my scales, and you'll see what'll happen. *'NH': I like this guy! *'US': Wait, so do you like, have soy sauce covered all over you? Or soy beans? Or soy milk? *'Sboy': Forget about my name. *'Rig': Yeah, that's easy to do! Like my name is.......... *(Rig takes a while to think of her name.) *'Rig': Nope, can't remember it at all! *'NH': Rig. *'Rig': Pie! *'Sboy': Anyway, (coughing, sick voice): I've had a cold for days and I just can't find a home willing to accept me, so could you perhaps let me stay for the night? If not, I understand. My poor scales will dry up and I'll be frozen. (cough) *(Everyone minus NH have teary eyes.) *'Rack': Of course you can stay for the night! *'US': Yeah, I don't want soy chocolate to shrivel up. *(Rig's crying very much.) *'NH': (wearing a monocle and reading a book): Is he almost done? *'Rack': Come on, let me take you to the guest room. *(Sboy evilly smiles.) *(The next day.) *'Sboy': (yawning): Hm, I'm famished. Human! Human! *'Rack': Yes? *'Sboy': Would you mind giving me a......... fish? *'Rack': Of course not! Here ya go! *(Rack throws the fish and Sboy catches it with his mouth.) *'Rack': Good boy! *'Sboy': Yeah. Hey, uh, I wanna watch TV, would you mind turning it on? *'Rack': Uh, sure. *(Rack turns the TV on.) *'Sboy': Carry me and put me on the couch. *'Rack': Huh? *'Sboy': Yeah, I said it. Carry me, human! *'Rack': But you're too big! *'Sboy': Oh, so I'm fat, huh? Well you're no skinny chicken wing either! Just carry me! *'Rack': Okay, okay! *(Rack slowly carries Sboy and puts him on the couch.) *'Rack': (panting): Well there ya-. *'Sboy': I'm hungry again. Make me popcorn. *'Rack': Okay........ *(A split screen starts showing Sboy demanding food while Rack prepares said food.) *'Sboy': Chicken! Pizza! Chocolate! Ice cream! Candy! Chips! Cookies! Lasagna! Hot dogs! Fries! Porkchops! Ham! Ribs! Crackers! *(Later. Sboy is on the couch, with the rest of the couch entirely filled with food.) *'Rack': (panting): There, that should-. *(Sboy eats it all quickly.) *'Sboy': (using nail to clean out food in his teeth): Yeah, thanks, mom. *'Rack': I am not your mom, I am a man! *'Sboy': Cool story mom, how about massaging my feet? *(Rack begins massaging one of his feet.) *'Sboy': Ah, there's the dry scales. *'Rack': (eyes starting to be bloodshot): Comfortable? *'Sboy': Yeah, sure, just get me a drink after you're done. *(Rack mumbles.) *(Later. Sboy is walking into NH's lab.) *'Sboy': Ah, now that I'm fed, time to meet up with wolfie. *'NH': What are you doing in my lab?! *'Sboy': You left the door unlocked. Not very scientific. *'NH': Darn it! Rig, slap yourself. *'Rig': The squirrels were curious! *'NH': Do as I say! *'Rig': Fine. (talking to herself): Rig, you have been naughty today! But I just wanted the squirrelies to come over for a sleepover! Too bad! Slap yourself! Okie dokie! *(Rig slaps herself on the face.) *'Sboy': That's not how you should treat your assistants. Again, not very scientific. *'NH': Oh what do you know, alligator? Salty water and fish? *'Sboy': If you mess with my scales again, you're gonna pay! *'NH': What can an alligator do to me? Are you even an alligator? I don't even know what you are exactly. *'Sboy': Well I am. You got a problem with that? *'NH': No, because I don't care. *'Sboy': Good. Wow, you don't seem like much of a scientist. *'NH': What do you know? Are you one? *'Sboy': Actually, yes, I am. I have a degree to prove it. *(Sboy brings out a degree that says "Sboy is and always will be the smartest person on Earth" with Albert Einstein's signature.) *'NH': Ha ha, nice forgery. *'Sboy': Believe what you want, but he actually signed it. *'NH': Meh, Albert was nothing more than a coward anyway. *'Sboy': Oh contrary, he actually helped in the making of the nuclear bomb during World War II. *'NH': If he wasn't the one that dropped it, then I don't care. Hm..... name any scientist besides Einstein that's famous. *'Sboy': Uh.......... um......... hm.......... em......... aw, that's a stupid question! There's tons of 'em! *'NH': (looking at audience): Ah, good ol' television, slowly rotting even the smartest people's minds. *'Sboy': But, tell me, have you made any inventions that actually work? *'NH': Well, yes, but they all worked in unintended ways...... *'Sboy': Uh huh. Well mine work in the ways they're intended. *'NH': I'm wondering who has the higher IQ. *'Sboy': Good question. Let's find out with my IQ Determinizer! *(NH stares in shock.) *'Sboy': Come on, don't be shy, let's see how dumb, er, "smart", you are. *(NH gets inside. His IQ is "198".) *'NH': Ha, beat that. *'Sboy': Oh I will. *(Sboy gets inside. His IQ is apparently so large, it makes the machine explode.) *'Sboy': (grabbing number plate): Infinity. *'NH': Meh, intelligence quotient is worthless anyway. *'Sboy': Right. Well as fun as this has been, talking to a neanderthal can get tiring after a while. *(Sboy leaves.) *(NH is red with anger and literally looks like he'll explode.) *'Rig': And I thought my pooties were bad! *(Cut to Sboy walking to City Hall and entering inside.) *'Sboy': Hey there, US. *'US': Yo yo yo. *'Dep. Mayor': Um, who are you? *'US': Don't mind him, Dep, it's just soy cheese. *'Sboy': My name isn't "soy"......... *'US': That's nice, soy pizza. *'Sboy': Anyway, I thought maybe I could help you a little with your duties? Being mayor of such a town must be hard to juggle. *'US': Sure. I think it's Dep's time of the month soon anyway. *'Dep. Mayor': How did you know?! *(Dep. Mayor runs away crying.) *'Sboy': .........Anyway, what are you writing? It's hard to read as the paper and pen color are the same. *'US': Not really if you like purple. It's clear as day to see if your favorite color's purple. *'Sboy': Uh huh. How about we replace them with clear, easy to see, white paper? *'US': I'll smack you upside the head if you do that. *'Sboy': ..........I'll come back later. *(Sboy leaves.) *(Sboy heads to where Rig is, where she is playing with the squirrels; she and the squirrels are making an acorn cake.) *'Sboy': Hey, uh........ *'Rig': The outside of eggs hurts going down. *'Sboy': I'm not even going to bother........... *(A montage plays of Sboy making Rack do everything for him; Sboy boasting his higher intellect to NH, making NH more angry; making suggestions to US that US finds ridiculous; and attempting to bother Rig but walks away after hearing a quote she says.) *(Rack, NH, US and Rig then meet up with each other in a quiet area.) *'Rack': Is it just me, or is Sboy getting on you guys' nerves? He's getting on mine; always making me do everything for him! *'NH': Ugh, tell me about it. He doesn't even laugh manically with a menacing background theme! *'US': I know, right? I mean, stop using purple paper with purple pens?! Blasphemy! *'Rig': And he keeps stalking me, always coming to me when I'm instructing the squirrelies! *'US': We gotta do something about this. *'NH': And he doesn't have a reset button! Every villain needs one! It's how they come out perfectly unharmed in the nex-. *'US': NY, shush. We can't tell them. *'NH': You said the title earlier! *'US': I'mma smack you! *'Rack': Guys, guys, stop! Like US said, we need to figure out a way to get rid of him. *'Rack, NH, US & Rig': Hm........ A-ha! *'Rack, NH & US': Let's throw him out! *'Rig': Let's bake him into a pie! *(Crickets are heard chirping.) *'Rig': None of you like my ideas! *childishly pouts* *(Later. The four are waiting for Sboy to come by.) *'Sboy': Hey, human, can you give me another foot massage? My scales felt really good after that. *'Rack': Not quite, but your feet will feel something. *'Sboy': Huh? *(The four run and grab Sboy's feet and hands.) *'US': Alright, 4....... *'Rack': 3....... *'Rig': 2sies! *'NH': 1....... *(The four prepares to throw him out.) *'Sboy': Okay, I get it. You're all fine by yourselves. I know I'm annoying and can be rude, but I don't mean to on purpose! See, my parents, brothers and sisters and me were all a big, happy family! But, but, *crying*, they were all killed in The Great Radiation Spill of 08. They were radiated and, someone thought it was best if they were put out of their misery, but luckily I survived. That's why I have blue scales. I know that sounds silly but it's really true. I don't mean to be rude or annoying, I was just never taught the do's and don'ts of life. I've been alone for so long, no one to talk to, share stuff with, I guess I got carried away and used you guys too much....... I'm so sorry! I totally understand if you toss me, it's happened before; people always tossed me and accidentally caused my scales to get cut. I've lived a hard life and maybe my rudeness from that took control and used you guys. I know I'm very demanding. I try not to, but I end up overdoing that too. And I hate how insulting I am; I'm very sorry about that. I just don't know what's good to say and what isn't. I screw up at everything. Sboy, why are you such an idiot?! Everyone you meet gets tired of you. I don't deserve to live. Just, just throw me now. *crying* *(Everyone minus NH have teary eyes.) *'NH': Don't even tell me what happens next........ *'Rack': I.... I feel like a monster. *'US': Same here, Raclk. *'Rig': (talking to herself): Rig, you're a big bad monster! You deserve massive pooties! I do, I do. *slaps herself* *'Rack': You know what, forget about it. You're staying for a while as our apology. *'Sboy': (suddenly stops crying): Good. So, how about massaging those feet, mom? *(NH facepalms.) *(Another montage plays of Sboy slowly absorbing the lives out of the four, Rack and US especially.) *'Sboy': Hey, mom. *'Rack': (eyes entirely bloodshot, unenthusiastic): What? *'Sboy': Mind giving my tail a scratch; I have an itch I can't reach! *'Rack': Okay......... *('Rack scratches the tail.) *'Sboy': Ah, now my scales feel bett-. *(Sboy sees Rack on the floor, comatose from all of the service; his leg twitches every now and then.) *'Sboy': Oh no! Guys, guys! *'US': What's up? *'Rig': Did a pie burn? *'Sboy': No, but I think Rack's been murdered! *crying* *(NH hears Rack's pulse and sees his leg twitching.) *'NH': He's not dead, his heart's still beating and his leg is clearly twitching. *'Rig': No, Rackles! I hardly knew you! *'US': Poor Raclk. Oh well. At least I'm still here. *'Sboy': (mumbling): At least for now.......... *'NH': The others may be morons but I can see through your schemes. I'm keeping a close eye on you. *'Sboy': Same here, wolfie. I'm watchin' you. *(Sboy slaps NH with his tail.) *'NH': I gotta learn how to control my parasite........... *(Later. Sboy is with US.) *'Sboy': ........And how about making a scale cream? *'US': Sure! *'Dep. Mayor': (whispering to US): I don't have a good feeling about this guy........ *'US': WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?! *'Sboy': Hm, showing secrets, eh? *'US': No, it's just Dep being himself. *'Sboy': Mm....... *(Sboy moves his tail on US; suddenly, US acts tired and speaks in monotone.) *'US': Huh........ that's funny......... I feel tired....... all of a sudden..... *'Dep. Mayor': Miss US, are you okay? *'US': Yeah......... I guess.......... I just need........ a nap. *(US gets in her chair and takes a nap.) *'Sboy': Oh no, she's dead! *'Dep. Mayor': No she isn't, she's just taking a nap. *(Sboy uses a lamp to hit Dep on the head, making him unconscious.) *(A few minutes later.) *'Sboy': Guys, look! She's dead! *'Rig': Oh no! Usles! *crying* Who's next? Tire? *'NH': Seriously? You can hear her breathing! Hm......... I should so some research on this guy....... *(A montage plays where NH researches on the computer, asks people, and other interesting things to know about Sboy.) *'NH': Dang..... this guy is very secretive....... *(NH bumps into a pole.) *'NH': Curse you, pole! Wait, what is this? *(NH grabs the paper; the paper says "FBI Ten Most Wanted Fugitives"; it lists not really detailed men with Sboy on the list, for "Absorbing people's lives and with the rest covered in black, apparently meaning it's too inappropriate to mention".) *(Rack appears out of nowhere, seeming to be fine.) *'Rack': Hey, isn't that Sboy's name? *'NH': I can't believe I'm not on it........ *'Rack': Oh my gosh, he did that?! *'NH': You would think they would know something.......... *'Rack': I didn't know you could do all that with pineapples.......... *(Cut to Rack talking with US.) *'US': What? I do that....... every day before......... breakfast. What's the............ big deal? That reminds....... me, Dep, we need more........ pineapples! *'Rack': What happened to the pine- oh never mind. *'Sboy': (hiding): Oh no! He knows! *(Sboy uses a large hammer on Rack to hit him; Rack becomes comatose again.) *'US': Aw....... poor......... Raclk. *(Sboy comes out of hiding.) *'US': Soy pineapple! *'Sboy': (thinking): Dang! She knows too! And I'm so tired of her calling me "soy!" (talking): My name's not Soy, alright?! Not Soy sauce, soy milk, soy beans, soy pizza, soy cheese, soy chocolate or soy pineapple! It's Sboy! *(Sboy uses the same hammer on US; she becomes unconscious.) *'Dep. Mayor': Ugh.... what happened? *(Sboy uses a lamp again on Deep, making him unconscious again.) *'Sboy': Eh, he's just fun to hit. *(Later. Sboy searches for food in Rack's kitchen.) *'Sboy': Ah, perfect. Wolfie, give me the bird. *'NH': As much as I want to and love to I can't because I have these little people called censors following my every movement. Apparently, "it's a kids' show". *'Sboy': Ha ha, very funny. Why are you even in the kitchen anyway? *'NH': Oh, I'm making a certain invention. But, that's not exactly why I'm in here. I know what you did. *'Sboy': Okay wolfie, you got me. But hey, come on, it's fun! Absorbing people and doing something with pineapples is deliciously evil! Plus, they're not too smart considering I've been on the loose for about thirty years. But, tell me, what are you gonna do about it? Gonna call the police? They've tried that countless times, I've escaped. Besides......... you're frankly pathetic. A true villain would use inventions that actually work. You'll never take over the world. I'll do that before you attempt it, dunderhead. *'NH': (infuriated, gets the phone): I'm about to call it. *'Sboy': Ooh, I'm so scared. I already told you, many people have failed at this. Besides, you clearly hate them, why save them? *(NH has an angel NH and a devil NH on his shoulders.) *'Angel NH': Go on, NH, call the police and save your friends. *'Devil NH': Don't listen to that sissy. Let them rot and die! *'NH': Wait, I would never wear clothes. *'Angel & Devil NH': Good point. *(They poof away.) *'NH': (thinking): I'm so going to regret this......... (talking): Because, you need to save your friends no matter what you think of them. *(It reveals NH was reading a cue card.) *'Sboy': Meh. You know, I was going to offer you to rule the world with me. *'NH': The world's gonna be all mine, not yours. *'Sboy' Wanna bet? *'NH': Rig, da eggs! *'Rig': Okie dokie! *(Rig's on a machine that shoots egg shells.) *'NH': This better work, Rig. *'Rig': It will. *'Sboy': Eggs, my only weakness! *'NH': Start now, Rig! *'Rig': Okie dokie arty chokie! *(Rig uses the machine to shoot Sboy with egg shells, causing Sboy to be drenched in them.) *'Sboy': Fine, you win. Just, get me away from her! *(Rig smiles largely.) *(Later. Sboy is put into a cop car.) *'Sboy': The egg shells, the egg shells, so hard and loud! *crying* *(The cop car drives away.) *'NH': Well looks like something you came up with actually worked. *'Rig': Can we make manure guns next?! *'NH': Don't push it. *'US': Ah! That was a good nap! *'Rack': And my eyes are good again! *'Rig': Thanks for saving them, NH! *'NH': I'd like to pretend that never happened. *(They all laugh.) *'NH': But, seriously, if any of you mention it again, I'll kill you in your sleep. *(They all walk away.) *'THE END'. Credits Starring *Rackliffelikespurple as Rack *New Heathera as NH *Utter solitude as US *Rigbybestie1510 as Rig *Sboy13 as Sboy *Dep. Mayor as Dep. Mayor *Cops as Cops Writing *Written by: Rackliffelikespurple, Utter solitude, Sboy13, New Heathera and Rigbybestie1510 Thanks To New Heathera, Utter solitude, Rigbybestie1510 and Sboy13 for being the inspirations to the corresponding characters. Other I absolutely love this episode. It's long, funny and has a guest in it! I consider this a "late" anniversary gift for Soy. Happy anniversary, Soy! :D Fun Fact: The date and the date of Soy's anniversary was a total coincidence; at the time I was deciding the dates, I had no idea Soy's anniversary was only two days earlier. But it makes a nice gift. Gotta love coincidences! ;) Thanks for reading! :D Category:Episodes